Why is it so hard to do better?

I can personally say there have been so many times in my life when I’ve expressed the type of person I think I am—like I’m on some kind of pedestal—only to turn around and prove through my actions that I am, in fact, not that type of person.

I think I’ve boiled this down to emotional control. I can say that I handle drama better than most people because I know it usually just leads to hurt feelings. But then I’ll immediately get pulled into it with my mom or my siblings. I can say that I am not an obsessive and I can kick addictions better than most, but then I feel SUPER bored… like so bored – and spend time HOOKED to my socials regardless of whether or not I have my phone. Anyone or anything that has emotional pull on me can make me more dramatic than a season finale of “Grey’s“.

So what do I do? What does anyone do when they legitimately recognize their flaws and want to make real changes? I don’t think I believe in that old saying, “People never change,” because I’ve seen it happen firsthand.

Are you supposed to shut down all emotion entirely? Are you supposed to become ZEN and start picking and choosing your emotions based on what’s most appropriate for each situation?

That kind of thinking TERRIFIES me! I love being “too much” sometimes—I love getting hyper, being overly excited, and letting my highs carry me away. That’s what I believe defines me in a lot of ways.

So how do you keep the parts of yourself you love—those big, bright emotions—while stripping away the parts you don’t, like intense anger (which I struggle with) or that heavy feeling of ennui?

To circle back to my original idea, though—I try my damndest not to be entirely blind to the “unsavory” parts of my personality, and I certainly am not above saying I need to be the one who changes. I SEE what needs to be fixed… I just wish I could get a damn grip on my emotions to the point where I can actively participate in that change.

Maybe eliminating my bad habits and tendencies is so hard because I think that the bad parts of me means changing myself into someone I don’t know.

Bad habits and emotions seem to be comforting… y’know, like everything else that’s no good for you.